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Friendships - Revisited
Jul. 24th, 2021 11:56 pmI was going to do this as an edit to my last post, but decided a fresh perspective deserved a fresh forum.
I did not end my last post well. My final comments were fuelled by frustrations and other negative feelings that had compounded upon themselves. Here’s how I left things last time:
I did not end my last post well. My final comments were fuelled by frustrations and other negative feelings that had compounded upon themselves. Here’s how I left things last time:
>> It all makes it seem like being friends with these people is much more important to me than it is to them, and I don’t like the implications of that idea. If it’s true, then I don’t really have any close friends. False, well that just makes me a narcissist then, doesn’t it? <<
None of this was really a fair assessment. The comments I got in reply forced me to re-read everything, give my head a shake, and take an objective look at these friendships from the other side (thanks for that).
I have exactly 4 close friends. These are the people that I actually want to spend my social time with. And I want them to want to spend their social time with me. So when it seems like I’m doing all the “heavy lifting” (to quote a phrase), things eventually start to feel lopsided, which is what had me so frustrated earlier. What I have to remember is that everybody’s situation is different. People with kids naturally have less time for social interaction. People with a larger circle of friends have to spread themselves thinner in order to spend some amount of time with everyone. From the other side, these things can seem like neglect, even if they aren’t.
The question was raised whether I feel undervalued in these friendships. Mostly, no. I say mostly because there are a couple of specific things that truly do irk me, but I’m going to leave those for another post. In terms of the friendships themselves, I do honestly believe that each person considers me to be one of their close friends.
Next time around I’m going to get into introvert vs extrovert, communication, and maybe expectations. But those are bigger topics and I’m tired, so for today I’m going to wrap this up.
Thanks for listening. =]
Friendships (ugh)
Jul. 21st, 2021 10:14 pmAs mentioned earlier this afternoon, there’s something that’s been bugging me lately, and I need to vent.
For anyone who’s read some of my earlier posts, you may recall me writing a couple of times about my friend J. In the first (in March), I made some pretty bold predictions about how I felt the future was going to play out. In the second (in May), I recanted a bit, and had a glimmer of hope that I had been wrong. Well, another two months have passed, so I guess here’s the next instalment in the story.
We left off last time with me saying something to the effect of “She would never tell me she missed me if she didn’t mean it. There may be hope yet”. So, wanting to do my part to help keep things rolling in the right direction, I reached out about a week later. Let me transcribe the conversation for you:
Me: Hey. How’ve you been?
J: Pretty good. What’s up?
Me: Not much. What’s up with you?
That was it. Of course, she does have kids, and a husband, and a couple big dogs. Plus she’s always been a bit flighty with text conversations. So I left it until the next day, giving her the benefit of the doubt. But one day turned to two, and then to three. At a week, spite kicked in - I was going to stick this out, and wait for her to reach out to me, no matter how long it took.
Seven weeks. To the day. “I miss you sooo much. I’m off this week. We should get together for beer and nachos……”. As if we had just talked a week ago. As if she hadn’t just basically ghosted me for almost two months.
So naturally, we’re getting together tomorrow. And, this time I’m reserving judgement about the future until afterward.
Now settle in, because that was only part one of our story.
Over the course of the past few months, some unsettling thoughts have been developing, centered around my perceptions of my close relationships. These are *my* primary friends - but for them, I don’t think I’m one of *their* primary friends (if you get my meaning). Consider these things:
- I am usually the one to initiate a conversation
- I am usually leading those conversations
- When plans are being made, I am usually the one suggesting days, times, locations, activities
Let’s take J as an example. The only reason she initiated the conversation is because I had been consciously not doing it. After the initial pleasantries, I had to work to keep the conversation moving. While she had the initial idea of getting together, I picked the day, time and place.
It all makes it seem like being friends with these people is much more important to me than it is to them, and I don’t like the implications of that idea. If it’s true, then I don’t really have any close friends. False, well that just makes me a narcissist then, doesn’t it?
Thought, questions, concerns, suggestions, helpful experiences, etc? My ears are open. =\
Sad. Nostalgic. Happy. Hopeful.
May. 29th, 2021 10:23 pmThis week knocked me around a bit. Well, a lot.
Things are slowly starting to relax around here (restriction-wise that is). This has finally afforded me the opportunity to actually spend time with people. Had a few friends over one evening - just to sit on the patio and have a drink and shoot the shit. Also got to visit with one of my favourite people - not for very long (read, not for long enough), but enough to make me quite happy.
I also heard from my friend J this week (I wrote about her a couple months ago). Her first 3 words were “I miss you”. And if you know her in any way, you know she doesn’t make up shit like that - if she says it she means it. That one simple sentence renewed some hope that I was wrong about how our friendship will play out. Time will tell.
Today though, today has me on a bit of a roller coaster. Heard from another friend K. She commented on some random FB post of mine, which ended up sparking a conversation. Afterward I looked back - five months since we last spoke, and only a couple times all last year. This got me thinking, and I started scrolling through contacts, and reading the names of...
Friends I would go to concerts with.
Friends I would play sports with.
Family I would visit.
Coworkers that I’m used to seeing every day, but haven’t seen since November.
People I would normally only see once a year, but I always looked forward to that one visit.
Etc. Etc.
That was the “ton of bricks” moment. When I realized just how many people are out there, that I haven’t seen, spoken to, even texted, for longer than I can remember.
I want all these people back in my life.
Today. Today would be good. =\
The growth and decline of friendships
Mar. 14th, 2021 01:50 amMost of my closest friends - the ones where you feel comfortable enough with the other person to “bare your soul” to them, and they to you - have been women. Invariably, these friendships have always been born out of some sort of immediate need for support (either mine or theirs, emotional, spiritual, etc.). Unfortunately, things born in a flash tend to fizzle relatively quickly, leaving gaps behind. I currently have three such friendships.
The first is fairly new, a coworker, and will probably never reach the same level of emotional connection as most. When her frustrations with work inevitably lead to her departure, it’s unlikely we’ll ever talk again.
The second, well, I don’t really want to talk much about that one right now. The emotional connection, at least for me, is still very strong, but I can see the direction things are turning and it makes me very unhappy to think about what the future holds. For now I’m simply trying to enjoy the present.
Now the third, that’s the one that made me want to write this.
To give a little backstory, about six years ago I transferred into another department at work. While the tasks of that job were well within my capabilities, it quickly became evident that my personal need for things to be “just so” was in direct conflict with the ability to “roll with the punches” that the job demanded. In short, I was over my head and drowning quickly.
About eight months in, J transferred into the same department, and took up the neighbouring desk. I didn’t even notice it happen at the time, but it wasn’t long before I was talking to her about everything. If I needed to vent, she would just listen. When things got so overwhelming that all I could do was put my head on my desk and try to gather myself, she would reach over and put an arm across my shoulders. Eventually our relationship developed beyond my need for emotional support. We would go for lunch, or a drink after work. I met her husband and kids, she met my wife. We became friends.
I survived another nine months in that job before transferring out - back to the same department I was in a year and a half prior. J was there about another year before transferring to another facility in the company. We still had regular contact through our job duties, but, as happens with most relationships that are separated by distance, the closeness started to wane. We would still make time to see each other, but less and less frequently. Last fall we got together for a drink after work, and through the course of conversation realized we hadn’t seen each other in over a year. Another five months have passed since then, and it seems like we’ve barely spoken.
Friday was J’s last day with the company, and I can see the final decline of our friendship stretching out in front of me. We’ll keep in touch somewhat regularly for now. When patio season opens in a couple months we’ll go for lunch on a Saturday afternoon; maybe again in the summer. Finally will be the obligatory Merry Christmas and Happy New Year texts, and that’ll be it - our lives will have diverged onto completely separate paths, and we won’t likely ever speak again.
Is this a pessimistic view? Sure.
Is it within my power to change the course of future events? Absolutely.
Will I do anything about it? If history is any indication, no.
Does it hurt?
Every.
Single.
Time.
The first is fairly new, a coworker, and will probably never reach the same level of emotional connection as most. When her frustrations with work inevitably lead to her departure, it’s unlikely we’ll ever talk again.
The second, well, I don’t really want to talk much about that one right now. The emotional connection, at least for me, is still very strong, but I can see the direction things are turning and it makes me very unhappy to think about what the future holds. For now I’m simply trying to enjoy the present.
Now the third, that’s the one that made me want to write this.
To give a little backstory, about six years ago I transferred into another department at work. While the tasks of that job were well within my capabilities, it quickly became evident that my personal need for things to be “just so” was in direct conflict with the ability to “roll with the punches” that the job demanded. In short, I was over my head and drowning quickly.
About eight months in, J transferred into the same department, and took up the neighbouring desk. I didn’t even notice it happen at the time, but it wasn’t long before I was talking to her about everything. If I needed to vent, she would just listen. When things got so overwhelming that all I could do was put my head on my desk and try to gather myself, she would reach over and put an arm across my shoulders. Eventually our relationship developed beyond my need for emotional support. We would go for lunch, or a drink after work. I met her husband and kids, she met my wife. We became friends.
I survived another nine months in that job before transferring out - back to the same department I was in a year and a half prior. J was there about another year before transferring to another facility in the company. We still had regular contact through our job duties, but, as happens with most relationships that are separated by distance, the closeness started to wane. We would still make time to see each other, but less and less frequently. Last fall we got together for a drink after work, and through the course of conversation realized we hadn’t seen each other in over a year. Another five months have passed since then, and it seems like we’ve barely spoken.
Friday was J’s last day with the company, and I can see the final decline of our friendship stretching out in front of me. We’ll keep in touch somewhat regularly for now. When patio season opens in a couple months we’ll go for lunch on a Saturday afternoon; maybe again in the summer. Finally will be the obligatory Merry Christmas and Happy New Year texts, and that’ll be it - our lives will have diverged onto completely separate paths, and we won’t likely ever speak again.
Is this a pessimistic view? Sure.
Is it within my power to change the course of future events? Absolutely.
Will I do anything about it? If history is any indication, no.
Does it hurt?
Every.
Single.
Time.
