Friendships (ugh)

[arthur_p_dent]

As mentioned earlier this afternoon, there’s something that’s been bugging me lately, and I need to vent.

For anyone who’s read some of my earlier posts, you may recall me writing a couple of times about my friend J. In the first (in March), I made some pretty bold predictions about how I felt the future was going to play out. In the second (in May), I recanted a bit, and had a glimmer of hope that I had been wrong. Well, another two months have passed, so I guess here’s the next instalment in the story.

We left off last time with me saying something to the effect of “She would never tell me she missed me if she didn’t mean it. There may be hope yet”. So, wanting to do my part to help keep things rolling in the right direction, I reached out about a week later. Let me transcribe the conversation for you:

Me: Hey. How’ve you been?
J: Pretty good. What’s up?
Me: Not much. What’s up with you?

That was it. Of course, she does have kids, and a husband, and a couple big dogs. Plus she’s always been a bit flighty with text conversations. So I left it until the next day, giving her the benefit of the doubt. But one day turned to two, and then to three. At a week, spite kicked in - I was going to stick this out, and wait for her to reach out to me, no matter how long it took.

Seven weeks. To the day. “I miss you sooo much. I’m off this week. We should get together for beer and nachos……”. As if we had just talked a week ago. As if she hadn’t just basically ghosted me for almost two months. 

So naturally, we’re getting together tomorrow. And, this time I’m reserving judgement about the future until afterward.

Now settle in, because that was only part one of our story.

Over the course of the past few months, some unsettling thoughts have been developing, centered around my perceptions of my close relationships. These are *my* primary friends - but for them, I don’t think I’m one of *their* primary friends (if you get my meaning). Consider these things:

- I am usually the one to initiate a conversation
- I am usually leading those conversations
- When plans are being made, I am usually the one suggesting days, times, locations, activities

Let’s take J as an example. The only reason she initiated the conversation is because I had been consciously not doing it. After the initial pleasantries, I had to work to keep the conversation moving. While she had the initial idea of getting together, I picked the day, time and place.

It all makes it seem like being friends with these people is much more important to me than it is to them, and I don’t like the implications of that idea. If it’s true, then I don’t really have any close friends. False, well that just makes me a narcissist then, doesn’t it?

Thought, questions, concerns, suggestions, helpful experiences, etc? My ears are open.  =\ 

Comments

[dustbunny105]

Nothing narcissistic about wanting to feel valued or noticing patterns that might suggest that you're not.

I can definitely understand your frustration and concern and obviously I can't say with any certainty that the friends in question don't hold your friendship in less esteem than you hold theirs. But I don't think that's necessarily the case. Many people, for any of a number of reasons, are just more passive in their relationships. And sometimes they're more passive specifically in relationships where the other person can be depended on to keep things going. I'm rarely the first to reach out even to people I'm closest to, frex, mostly due to a mix of introversion, anxiety and ADHD (possibly rejection sensitive dysphoria, I'm not sure). In any event, if you feel like you're being undervalued, it's best to bring it up to your friends. Maybe they just have different ideas about how your friendships operate. Maybe they don't even realize they've left the heavy lifting to you. Or maybe they really don't consider your friendship as much of a priority, in which case you should know so that you can decide how you want to handle it.

[arthur_p_dent]

I don’t have the time at the moment since I’m at work, but I am planning on editing my post (probably over the weekend). I can see a few spots where my built up frustrations had clouded some of my more rational brain functions.
I don’t think you’re too far off with some of your points. Keep an eye out for the edit and hopefully it leads to a good discussion.