The growth and decline of friendships
Mar. 14th, 2021 01:50 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
arthur_p_dentMost of my closest friends - the ones where you feel comfortable enough with the other person to “bare your soul” to them, and they to you - have been women. Invariably, these friendships have always been born out of some sort of immediate need for support (either mine or theirs, emotional, spiritual, etc.). Unfortunately, things born in a flash tend to fizzle relatively quickly, leaving gaps behind. I currently have three such friendships.
The first is fairly new, a coworker, and will probably never reach the same level of emotional connection as most. When her frustrations with work inevitably lead to her departure, it’s unlikely we’ll ever talk again.
The second, well, I don’t really want to talk much about that one right now. The emotional connection, at least for me, is still very strong, but I can see the direction things are turning and it makes me very unhappy to think about what the future holds. For now I’m simply trying to enjoy the present.
Now the third, that’s the one that made me want to write this.
To give a little backstory, about six years ago I transferred into another department at work. While the tasks of that job were well within my capabilities, it quickly became evident that my personal need for things to be “just so” was in direct conflict with the ability to “roll with the punches” that the job demanded. In short, I was over my head and drowning quickly.
About eight months in, J transferred into the same department, and took up the neighbouring desk. I didn’t even notice it happen at the time, but it wasn’t long before I was talking to her about everything. If I needed to vent, she would just listen. When things got so overwhelming that all I could do was put my head on my desk and try to gather myself, she would reach over and put an arm across my shoulders. Eventually our relationship developed beyond my need for emotional support. We would go for lunch, or a drink after work. I met her husband and kids, she met my wife. We became friends.
I survived another nine months in that job before transferring out - back to the same department I was in a year and a half prior. J was there about another year before transferring to another facility in the company. We still had regular contact through our job duties, but, as happens with most relationships that are separated by distance, the closeness started to wane. We would still make time to see each other, but less and less frequently. Last fall we got together for a drink after work, and through the course of conversation realized we hadn’t seen each other in over a year. Another five months have passed since then, and it seems like we’ve barely spoken.
Friday was J’s last day with the company, and I can see the final decline of our friendship stretching out in front of me. We’ll keep in touch somewhat regularly for now. When patio season opens in a couple months we’ll go for lunch on a Saturday afternoon; maybe again in the summer. Finally will be the obligatory Merry Christmas and Happy New Year texts, and that’ll be it - our lives will have diverged onto completely separate paths, and we won’t likely ever speak again.
Is this a pessimistic view? Sure.
Is it within my power to change the course of future events? Absolutely.
Will I do anything about it? If history is any indication, no.
Does it hurt?
Every.
Single.
Time.
The first is fairly new, a coworker, and will probably never reach the same level of emotional connection as most. When her frustrations with work inevitably lead to her departure, it’s unlikely we’ll ever talk again.
The second, well, I don’t really want to talk much about that one right now. The emotional connection, at least for me, is still very strong, but I can see the direction things are turning and it makes me very unhappy to think about what the future holds. For now I’m simply trying to enjoy the present.
Now the third, that’s the one that made me want to write this.
To give a little backstory, about six years ago I transferred into another department at work. While the tasks of that job were well within my capabilities, it quickly became evident that my personal need for things to be “just so” was in direct conflict with the ability to “roll with the punches” that the job demanded. In short, I was over my head and drowning quickly.
About eight months in, J transferred into the same department, and took up the neighbouring desk. I didn’t even notice it happen at the time, but it wasn’t long before I was talking to her about everything. If I needed to vent, she would just listen. When things got so overwhelming that all I could do was put my head on my desk and try to gather myself, she would reach over and put an arm across my shoulders. Eventually our relationship developed beyond my need for emotional support. We would go for lunch, or a drink after work. I met her husband and kids, she met my wife. We became friends.
I survived another nine months in that job before transferring out - back to the same department I was in a year and a half prior. J was there about another year before transferring to another facility in the company. We still had regular contact through our job duties, but, as happens with most relationships that are separated by distance, the closeness started to wane. We would still make time to see each other, but less and less frequently. Last fall we got together for a drink after work, and through the course of conversation realized we hadn’t seen each other in over a year. Another five months have passed since then, and it seems like we’ve barely spoken.
Friday was J’s last day with the company, and I can see the final decline of our friendship stretching out in front of me. We’ll keep in touch somewhat regularly for now. When patio season opens in a couple months we’ll go for lunch on a Saturday afternoon; maybe again in the summer. Finally will be the obligatory Merry Christmas and Happy New Year texts, and that’ll be it - our lives will have diverged onto completely separate paths, and we won’t likely ever speak again.
Is this a pessimistic view? Sure.
Is it within my power to change the course of future events? Absolutely.
Will I do anything about it? If history is any indication, no.
Does it hurt?
Every.
Single.
Time.
no subject
Date: 2021-03-17 04:39 am (UTC)Thanks for the support, and as always, the *hugs*. =]
Oh, and I hope you’re right about that second friend. I’d be very happy to be way off the mark on that one.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-15 01:19 am (UTC)I'm happy to be of help :)
I hope it works out for you; losing friends is always difficult.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-16 10:40 am (UTC)The ones that really hurt are the ones where I put in that extra effort and get nothing back. I can already use J (the one I wrote about originally) as an example - in the past five weeks I’ve reached out three times, and finally got back a “here’s my new number” reply, but didn’t actually talk about anything.
Here’s a question - should I be concerned that I’ve been through this enough times that it has become predictable? Makes me wonder if I’m the problem. ={
no subject
Date: 2021-04-17 11:02 pm (UTC)I'm not sure whether you should be concerned or not; certainly it's not the most desirable outcome, and it is regrettable that it's familiar enough to be predictable. I couldn't say whether it's you or not, but there are often many factors that lead to a relationship - of any kind - breaking down, so even if some of it is you, I highly doubt you are solely responsible. And sometimes people just aren't compatible, no matter how much you might wish to be.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-20 05:42 pm (UTC)Boy, I can certainly talk myself into a bleak little corner, can’t I? I’ve basically brought myself to the conclusion that I’ve never really had *any* close friends. Think I’m going to have to let this one simmer for a bit - decide whether I really, truly believe that.