Loss...

[arthur_p_dent]

A funny thing happened a few weeks back. If you've been with me the past few years, you may recall a few posts that I made back in 2021 about friendships and my old friend J (if you'd like, you can follow the tag "friendships" to read those posts). Well, just before the holidays, J sent me a text. A line in a movie reminded her of me, and she misses me, and we should get together in the new year. I don't disagree, and I'd love to see her, but as three weeks have now gone by without a peep (i.e. history is repeating itself), I don't hold out much hope. Anyway, that's not the point of the story, just one of the catalysts that has gotten me all out of whack lately.

With my FIL's passing last week, obviously I'm feeling the loss from not having him here anymore. He and I were very similar people, and although I can't recall ever saying it, he was important to me. Now, the day after his passing the thing with J popped into my mind - it had been a couple weeks at that point and I was in DW doing my weekly post, and I decided to read back through my old writings. As I read, it occurred to me that from the time I realized what was likely to happen, and through the period of time where all of those things actually came to pass, what I was experiencing with her was another form of loss. We don't normally recognize it that way, but if you think about it...

You've got this person who is important in your life. A day comes along where something changes, and suddenly you don't see them as much anymore, you don't talk or text as often, but because they're still around, you don't feel it as a loss - you simply miss them. Maybe that one event was enough, or something else happens as well, but as time goes on you become less and less a part of each others' lives, until one day they aren't there anymore. That's what happened with J and I. The first factor was separation within the company, but after she resigned and moved on, that's when our paths really diverged, and eventually this person that was once so important to me was just gone.

And here's where my brain started to eat itself.

"What do I do if this happens and this person start fading away like J did, or what about that, or what if, what if, what if...". And I've been fixating, and spiraling, and these thoughts keep coming back at me, and I'm sure you can tell I'm not too happy about it. And so it's been a rough week. Is this an overreaction? Maybe. When I start down a rabbit hole I often end up convincing myself of a certain outcome, even if I don't have any real reason to believe it. Problem is, I also have a track record of being pretty spot-on about these things.

So I don't know if any of that makes any sense to you? I think I'm going to read it back tomorrow and see if it still makes sense to me (kinda tired now). In the meantime I'm happy to hear your thoughts if you feel like leaving them.

Comments

[redsixwing]

Ouch. Ouchie ouch. Yeah, it makes sense - you've faced a lot of loss recently, and it's very relatable to be jumpy about more.

I don't know what works best for you, but if you've got ways of making yourself relax, or to support your mood, this may be a good time to be extra attentive to them. If you've got people you can ask for a bit of extra attention or care, this may be the time to do it.

*offers hugs* I hope it turns out better than the anxious brain wants to think.

[arthur_p_dent]

I'll take those *hugs* and send some back your way as well.

Whenever I think myself into a spin like this, a little status quo is usually the best thing. Once some time goes by without the worst case scenario happening, those thoughts will subside. It's just a bit heavy in the meantime.

[dustbunny105]

This does very much make sense. Someone important moving on out of your life is very much its own kind of loss and often a more complicated one to deal with, since it lacks the absoluteness of death. Especially when you find yourself in this kind of limbo, where the relationship is over for all intents and purposes but it's not yet at a point where that's being acknowledged-- such as in this case, with her reaching out to say you should catch up and then not following through. I can imagine it hits even harder when you've truly lost someone else important so recently.

*many hugs*

[arthur_p_dent]

>>I can imagine it hits even harder when you've truly lost someone else important so recently.<<

That's very true. Had it not been for my FIL's passing I doubt I would have made the connection that I felt this as a loss as well. And then I wouldn't have started the "what-if" spiral about everyone else who's important to me either.

Thanks - having context for how this started helps a bit. =]

*many hugs returned*